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Bittersweet October

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October has always been my favorite month of the year.  I love the cooler weather (or the chance for cooler weather anyway, *sigh* Texas…).  Fall activities, pumpkins, earth tones, smells of spice, football games and festivals, my birthday, Halloween magic, what’s not to like?

Memories.

A year ago this week my son got kicked out of preschool.

So last year, in an instant, my cherished October was tarnished.  My birthday and Halloween were ruined.  (In fact I don’t even remember my birthday from last year but I remember Halloween day was a well played disaster.)

A year  ago my heart was broken into a million pieces and I cried so many tears I might have filled a bath tub.  I hid in the bathroom shedding those tears so my son, who now felt even more fragile to me, wouldn’t see me upset and think it was his fault.  My stress level wasn’t even registering, I had at that time, broken the meter.  I had no idea what to do.  I mean how even does a child get kicked out of PRESCHOOL?

I can still feel the panic in my chest from when I got the phone call and heard the words “You need to find somewhere else for your son”.  I can still feel the raw agonizing pain of sitting in the office of the director and having the Mama Bear surge of wanting to fight to keep him in the only school he had known for the past three years and at the same time yearning to hate them and wanting to never bring him back to a place who didn’t want him.

I can still see in the distance the grey clouds that made up those days last year.  I can still feel the buzz of the uncertainty that filled those days, the vibration of tumultuousness that wrapped itself around me like poison smog and clung on for so long seeming to break up for periods of time only to gather strength and gather me full force back into the gale force winds of a cyclone.

I have had a fear of impending doom for pretty much this whole month.  I think residuals of haunted memories began to invade, (especially when I had multiple baby-sitter catastrophe’s this month) and my freshly healed wounds still aching from the process of healing were broken open again.  So I did the only reasonable thing to make my October better and I attended a workshop at my favorite yoga studio to channel my inner Goddess and try to squash any and all residual feelings and I found a most awesome babysitter with tons of experience with children of different abilities, whom my child already adores after just a short time.

I have been trying my hardest to remain positive and have been filling my soul by listening to inspirational podcasts. In one such podcast (I’ll be damned I can’t remember which because I binge listen)  Jen Hatmaker‘s guest talks about how “life doesn’t look pretty for people who are doing it right.”  Oh good.  That must mean I’m doing it right.  “First we have pain then rising.”  How true that is.  Without experiencing the devastation we would have never began down the road to learning about Sensory Processing Disorder and start adjusting our lives accordingly and I would never have met or reconnected with some of the amazing people I have. 

So this year I’m going to remember my birthday and I already set up a fun evening for Halloween.  This year the sweet will over run the bitter and October will remain my most treasured month of the year.

The Things We Carry

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Most of us carry around some sort of baggage from our pasts.  Did you know that if you carry around an emotion with you from a thought or an event and you do not process that feeling that it can build up within you on a cellular level and make you sick?  Until more recently, neither did I.  I’ve been learning a lot over the past year about health and wellness and healing.  How it’s not just what we eat, how we sleep and how we exercise that keeps us healthy, but also what we store within our subconscious, how we think and even how we act that can lead to feelings of stuckness, or even sickness.

When I’m looking and listening to the universe I often find that the same topic will repeat itself in various places.  It will literally pop up on my Facebook in the form of a quote, or it will be the topic of the next podcast in my queue, or it will be mentioned in a casual conversation with family or friends.  When I notice these topics I try to take a look and a listen to see what is going on within me that needs to be addressed.

Forgiveness has been a hot topic in my reading material and podcasts as of late and when my writing prompts led me to write about “the things we carry” I put all the pieces of the puzzle together.  I feel as if I am carrying around a burden that needs to be lightened .  I feel like my subconscious is asking me to forgive something.   It could be a person who was done wrong to me, maybe I need to ask for forgiveness from someone I have wronged, perhaps I need to forgive myself or maybe it’s a combination of all of the above.

So I delved into some of my feelings and really listened to my multiple podcasts on forgiveness.  I figured out which category the forgiveness belonged to and I made a plan of action on how to forgive.  I’ll tell you forgiveness does not always come easy and honestly it goes against human nature.  There is a little part of me that still wants to hold onto certain events, but I the urge and want to grow outweigh the need to hold on to the past.  I want to move forward, I don’t want to stay stuck and to accomplish this I must throw out a little forgiveness.

I challenge you this week to look within yourself and see what you are carrying around with you.  What is leaning on your subconscience and weighing you down?  What do you need to do to lighten the load your subconscience is carrying so that your hands and mind are free and open to accept something new and wonderful?

 

 

 

The Struggle is Real

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Finding Balance is a struggle.  I often feel like when I start to find a balance in my world, the scale of life tips over and everything goes sliding to one side making such a mess I am unsure of how to sort the wreckage.

Sometimes I frantically go about trying to pick up the pieces, sorting piles, trying to gain back a semblance of what was.  And sometimes, I just stare at the jumble, ignoring it, the elephant in the room, hoping it will disappear. . . it doesn’t.

I feel some area of my life is always getting neglected.  It’s hard fulfilling these roles of Wife, Mother, Friend, Group Co-Leader, Daughter, Sibling, Employee, Animal Care-Taker, Writer, Person. . . the list some days seems never ending.

I met with one of the holistic practitioners I consult with yesterday and while she was going over my plan she said let’s get back to the basics.

What amazingly good advice, not just in that area of my life, but in all area’s.  I feel like I need to cut out the clutter and get back to basics.  The universe has been calling to me to cut down on the clutter these past few weeks and in retrospect, I can see that now. I’m glad it shouted the words aloud because sometimes it’s easier to hear the words when they are actually spoken.

Goal for the rest of the week.  Cut down on clutter.  Get back to basics.

 

Whatever happened to accountability???

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I’ve always loved words that flow, Especially when they show Colors of truth others would deny as they live their lives by and by Pretending to be something they are not. Trying to get off scot free and not have to answer to the consequences of their actions. They ignore the rules and laws and try to take action into their own hands. Not for freedom or to take a stand but because of money, greed and power, because they believe they need to live in a penthouse tower.  They think they have the right to control what happens to others not caring how it effects those people’s sisters and brothers.  Instead of letting the evil divide we need to take hands and stand side by side.  We need to start holding people accountable for their actions, we need to get rid of the government factions that are trying to turn us against one another so we are too distracted to see the hypocrisy. They feed us lie after lie after lie and try to tie our hands claiming they know what’s best for the majority then they go behind our backs and make side deals with the enemy while eating crumpets and sipping tea.  They are slowly stripping us of our rights and inciting fear in hopes to stop a fight. If they succeed to divide us with all their distractions they will evade the repercussions of the consequences of their actions.  We have to be willing to fight for our freedoms no matter the stigma it brings.  Only the courageous speak their minds these days, our forefathers I’m sure are rolling over in their graves as the country for which they fought is so slowly yet rapidly falling apart.  I myself feel a hole in my heart as I watch things like morals disappear.  To find an honest person has become so rare.  We need to stop existing as sheep in a flock, stop taking stock in the belief our “leaders” are doing what’s best for us all and call out to each other to find courage to fight.  Fight for our freedoms, the ones we have left at least, give up the illusion of peace and make our demands known.  Through all the ripples of tension and fear what the people want is easy to hear.  We want change…

© 2016 -LRFB

If you like poetry, check out more of my creations here.

Following the Signs

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When you open yourself up to the universe the signs it sends to you become more apparent than when you just wander around hoping to see them.  At the end of January I attended a vision board class and laid out some of my goals for 2016.  I thought this would be a good time to report back on how my goals are coming along.

One of my goals was to get out and meet new people.  I didn’t want to overwhelm myself so I thought I’d start off small.  I made it a goal to go to at least one event per month and so far I’m right on track.  I’ve met some amazing new people and might have just gotten myself involved in an opportunity to exponentially grow my network of friends and associates.  I’ll let you know how this pans out. . .

Smack in the middle of my vision board is a picture of some beautiful oak floors. . . and guess what we are doing this weekend?  You got it, we are laying down some beautiful oak flooring.  All the furniture from the living room has been pushed into a bedroom and later today we will be ripping up carpet and tack stripping. . .

Another goal was to try to get published again, and I succeeded in again having a piece published on Mamalode.  If you missed it, you can check it out here.

I’ve written a lot about my financial goals to pay off all our debt.  In a couple of weeks we will have paid off more than 80% of our debt snowball. . . We are so close I can almost taste the freedom.  Maybe we can make the last little bit roll even quicker.

So, keep yourself open.  Follow the signs. Put your goals to paper with words or pictures.  Believe in yourself and make 2016 your year.

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Getting Back on Track Part 2

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Okay.  So, sometimes getting back on track isn’t nearly as easy as we think it’s going to be.  We started getting somewhat back into a routine only to decide we are going to put down new floors in our little 1950’s house. (Yes, I already know we are crazy).  There is a little 10 x 7 sitting area off our living room that we knew we were going to have to bring it up to level before we actually laid down the floors.  It dropped down about an inch from the rest of the house.  Over the weekend we tore up the carpet, and pulled up the plywood only to find that the subfloor was trashed.  It was kind of expected, but nevertheless was kind of a huge bummer too.  We (and you know by “we” I mean mostly my husband with me helping where and when I can although I do want to give him credit for the majority of the work.) had to rip out the subfloor, reinforce the walls, add new supports for the floor and lay down a new subfloor.  Now we are ready to lay the new floor, which will be our Easter Weekend Project.  In the mean time the furniture is haphazardly moved to random parts of the house and we have to figure out how to squeeze it into the other rooms of the house so we can actually lay down these new floors.  Luckily the babysitter is coming tonight so maybe we can accomplish some of this before Friday.

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On other fronts, I did manage to clean out my son’s closet.  I rearranged some things, finding them a new home with other like things (i.e. all the craft and art stuff that was hiding in the closet is now housed with all the other art and craft stuff so it’s all in one place).  I made a small pile for good will and  I made a huge pile for the burn pile and another pile for the trash. Lucky for us the weather was perfect for a fire so all of that that ended up in the burn pile is gone, along with all the yard trimmings from the tree my husband trimmed.

I managed to make it out for an outing with some like minded women (accomplishing a monthly goal for myself) and somehow persuaded myself to volunteer myself to help start up a group chapter in our are of town.  It is scary and exciting.  It also seems fitting that this fell into my lap since most of the quotes I had chosen for March’s quote of the day had to do with courage.  I definitely had to pull from the courage pool for this new venture.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

 

I was just So Mad

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I went to the new chiropractor to go over my X-Rays.  When I arrived we were lead to a miniature classroom where the doctor explained about the practice of chiropractic and showed some X-ray examples of different problems he has seen during his practice.  Sitting in the chair listening to him explain things and seeing the different results for some of his patients I was already more impressed with his practice than either of the other chiropractors I had visited with in the past.

Next it was time to go over our individual X-rays.  My X-rays were on the lit up screen next to an X-ray of a healthy spine.  He showed me the comparisons.  My neck is too straight which I remember being a problem when I had my first chiropractic X-rays back in 2011 and I have an S curve in my spine, which I also recalled from my original X-rays.  The discs in my lower back were not bulging on these X-rays, but again, the curve was not what it should be.  My heart sank a little and I was overwhelmed with anger.

I began seeing a chiropractor when the pain in my lower back was so terrible I couldn’t function normally.  I had my X-rays and followed his plan coming in for visits three times a week for the first week or so, then twice a week for a few weeks, then once a week until he felt I could come in for regular adjustments.  After a while, I felt like he wasn’t listening to my needs so I had switched to a different chiropractor for my regular adjustments.  All that time and all that money I had spent and my X-rays looked remarkably similar to the X-rays that were taken in 2011, 4 years ago.  I was mad.

I told the chiropractor that I was mad and upset, and I blinked back the tears that were starting to form.  He spoke to me gently.  “We can fix this, I’m sure the other doctors are doing good for some people.”  My immediate thought that this doctor was too kind hearted.  We discussed a plan of action for both me and my son.  He explained that the shape that my spine is currently in makes my body have to work twice as hard to try to balance itself out which could account for my being tired all the time.  I laid down for my adjustment and immediately noticed a difference between how he adjusted me and how I had been previously adjusted.  He studied my X-rays intently before arranging me for the adjustment and he adjusted me more in a manner that seemed like it would work towards the goal of straightening where I needed straightening and curving where I needed more curve.

I went out front to talk to the receptionist about scheduling my treatment plan.  One of my sons books by Mercer Mayer, I Was So Mad played out in my head.  “I was just so mad.”  I told the receptionist how I felt.  She looked at me with kind eyes.  “I wish I could say that’s the first time I’ve heard a patient say that,” she told me, but I could tell by her tone it was a regular occurrence.

It makes me angry that it took me finding a doctor who really cares to realize that I wasn’t getting proper treatment from the other doctors.  It makes me mad that insurance doesn’t include “alternative” medicines that actually help people in their coverage, or when they do they don’t pay as much as they do for “traditional” medicine which is usually more invasive and involves pharmaceutical treatments.  It makes me angry that I have been trying to live a more healthy lifestyle and thought I was addressing problems, but it turns out those problems are still there. I am just so mad.

Even amidst the anger, I am also thankful.  I am thankful the universe led me to this doctor, and I am hopeful we can get to the root of the problem and get me back on track to where I want my health to be.

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